Logan – Update & My Bargain with God

Update

Logan’s blood counts have dropped to zero. The chemo from round 3 has done its job, and he is receiving blood transfusions and platelets as needed. If you are a blood or platelet donor and wonder where your donations go, wonder no more. (Shameless pitch to donate if you are able…) Now, we wait as his body recovers.

Logan tolerated the chemo, and my FaceTime with him and Amanda yesterday afternoon was joyful. He was in such a good mood. The chemo treatment protocol is now in the second half with rounds 4 and 5 ahead. The doctors commented how great/surprising it is that Logan has not had an infection. I credit Amanda’s and AJ’s diligence to keep him safe and “clean.” Please pray for Logan’s strong little body to recover once again, and for his parents as they continue the journey with him.

My Prayer

This post sat in “draft” for a long time – months now. I have not posted it because I was embarrassed and ashamed of it. Well, now, during Advent I am posting it – mostly because it is the truth. Writing this blog is cathartic for me, its primary purpose. But I also hope that others can understand the journey from my perspective, a grandfather’s perspective.

Here goes: During Logan’s round 1 chemo, every night as I was falling asleep the same prayer went through my head. It was simple. I asked God to cure Logan’s cancer and give it to me. This was my prayer as Logan was beginning treatment, when so much was uncertain. Before remission.

I do not wish to die or be a martyr – on the contrary I have told anyone who might listen that I am “aiming for 90.” And yet, my life has been – is – wonderful. I have everything that I ever dreamed of. Wonderful and loving wife Donna and children, great friends, rewarding job – ya know – everything.

Catholic Guilt

But…Logan. Logan has not had the chance to build a life in whatever way God leads him and Logan might choose. And he deserves to have the chance. Hence, the prayer. I am no doubt praying wrong, trying to bargain with God. I feel I need to go to the Catholic sacrament of reconciliation and confess my sin to the priest and ask for forgiveness. In fact, yes, I intend to have that conversation with a priest in the confessional.

And so now, with Logan in remission and recovering from chemo round 3, my bedtime prayer has been, “Lord, we had a deal, and I am ready when you are.” Wow. Really? Again, who am I to tell God what to do? And now to presume that Logan’s remission had anything to do with my prayer? The arrogance of that is beyond measure. Shame is what comes with that arrogance, I can tell you that.

Prayers of Others

But here’s the thing. I wasn’t the only one with that same prayer, bargaining with God. An elderly friend and cancer survivor had a relapse and was scheduled for surgery during Logan’s first round of chemo. That friend said they were asking God to take them and spare Logan. This is absolutely incredible to me. What an unbelievable prayer for someone who had not met Logan or his parents Amanda and AJ. When I have previously written of the love that has come our way in support of Logan’s battle, this is an example. So much love that me writing this sentence has my eyes well up in gratitude. That friend passed away from surgical complications. I will think of them and pray for them always.

It never occured to me that I would be in a position to think of such a prayer and actually pray it. How many others are in my position? How many others would gladly trade their lives for a grandchild’s or other loved one’s? Based on the amount of love shown my family during this experience, many. Based on what others have shared with me about their prayers during difficult times, many.

The love that has come to my family has come in many ways, and so much through prayer. From all of you. I believe that your prayers are being answered. For skill of the medical teams, for strength of family, for Logan’s tolerance of treatment, for a minimization of long-term side effects from the treatment. Thank you for your prayer. It matters.

Pope Francis’ Tweet

So I follow Pope Francis on Twitter. (Oddest sentence I have written so far.) His tweet from this weekend caused me to finally publish this post:

“God never tires of waiting for us. When we turn away, He comes to look for us; when we fall, He picks us up; when we return to him after losing our way, He waits for us with open arms. His love is always and gives us the courage to start anew.”

For me, in Advent, as we prepare to welcome the Savior of the World, I know that God does what He does in His own way and time. I trust. And I am ready, whenever. I have always been ready.