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Logan: So Far, So Good

July 2022 Vacation: Jeff, Bridget holding Griffin, A.J. holding Logan, Kevin

Update at 3 months post-chemo

Logan’s three-month post-chemo blood test in mid-July confirmed remission. As I have written before, remission is as good as it gets. Early in July Logan swallowed his final antibiotic dose related to cancer treatment. So for now, no more meds, though monthly blood tests will continue, and our prayers are always that the leukemia stays away.

What this continued remission allowed was Logan and Amanda and Austin to join the family for a fun vacation in Austin. The results allowed Logan to swim in the pool and hang out with us all. Logan’s Uncle Kevin from Florida had never held Logan, and so this was a heart-warming milestone. The picture above shows our children and grandchildren during that vacation. Even though it was 106F and late in the day, all had big smiles including Griffin and Logan. It was hard to imagine the entire family being together like this while Logan’s leukemia was being treated amidst COVID. A vacation seemed so foreign during those months in the hospital.

What if…

We know that the story at this point could be much different. One evening earlier this summer I was helping Amanda hang curtain rods in their new home and she seemed quiet. I asked if she was OK, and Amanda shared that she had received an email from a parent she met in online cancer support groups. (The support that the ‘cancer kid’ parents supply to each other is awesome.) That parent had sent Amanda pictures of his little three-year-old daughter’s funeral. His daughter had the same leukemia type that Logan had, and her medical team was never able to get her into remission. How her diagnosis and treatment was different from Logan’s I do not know, but I can tell you this little girl’s story gave me pause and has me tearing up as I think of her.

Our trooper Logan during his hospital stay, March 2022

Play

What I saw during the family vacation was a super-sweet toddler finding his way among a kinda-large crowd of people, some unfamiliar. Donna and my four children and their significant others and the grandchildren were together. Watching Logan interact every day and play with his older cousin Griffin is what Donna and I were most anxious to see. Of course as has been previously noted, lots of precautions were in place during treatment to keep Logan safe. And those precautions kept the cousins apart during the chemo treatments. But this summer over the last couple of months, Logan and Griffin have had several play dates as parents and siblings A.J. and Bridget have been getting together over the summer. Prayers answered.

The above hospital picture of a forlorn-looking Logan was added mostly so we can all remember the impact that chemo treatment has on kids. Such a difference from the first picture, with Logan’s blonde hair and huge smile. Logan’s fight with leukemia has changed me. I will be a better family member, friend, neighbor or co-worker when I hear of a cancer diagnosis. I am embarrassed at how cavalierly I reacted to such news in the past, and that will change.

We cannot schedule a parade because of a three-month blood test. But what we can do is take the advice of a cliche and live each day that is given to us as if it were our last.

Logan Update & Griffin – Choosing

Logan on New Years Day FaceTime with Big John and Mimi

Update

Logan and Amanda and AJ are enjoying a wonderful & long New Year’s week break from the hospital. Discharged last Tuesday, the week is being spent at Amanda’s brother Chris’ and his wife Casey’s home. Round 3 of chemotherapy is complete, and round 4 begins Monday morning. Past the halfway mark on this cancer fighting journey, and the end is in sight! Casey and Chris are wonderful hosts and it is joyful for us to see the love that continues to surround Logan. Amanda’s parents Kim and Mike have been able to visit daily, making it a complete family fun time.

If you have seen any social media pics Logan is now, fully, walking. He was walking a bit – 10 steps or so – during his break between rounds 2 & 3, but now that he has been unleashed again from the 6 foot by 6 foot toddler-containing inflatable pool, Logan is clearly on a mission. Great to see!

Medical issues, of course, are a constant. Early during this week’s hospital break they received word that a blood test showed a too-high level of Logan’s antifungal. Back to the hospital they went, for an unscheduled blood test to validate the concern or deny it. Luckily the drug’s level dropped from the 5-times-higher-then-it-was-supposed-to-be to an acceptable level. The concern? This drug that is supposed to keep Logan from a fungal infection could harm his liver and/or kidneys if at too high a level. Remember this is serious business, and all drugs are poison at too high a level.

Amanda and AJ’s Home Build

Amanda and AJ’s home that is being built in Arlington is a parallel story to this cancer fight. They sold their previous home in Dallas quickly, and their new home is taking about a year to build. Before Logan’s diagnosis Kim and Mike were hosting the temporarily-homeless family in their Bedford home. Now every week AJ and Amanda receive house-build updates as walls go up, electrical is installed and windows enclose the structure. The completion of Logan’s cancer treatment may occur at just about the same time the home is ready. A really, really fresh start would be wonderful, post-chemotherapy in a new home.

Choosing

Griffin taking a glow-stick bath at Mimi & Big John’s home

Donna and I have not seen Logan in person for some time, as we made the decision to unquarantine for the Christmas holidays so we could celebrate with family and friends. I must tell you that this is harder than I thought it would be because we want to see both Logan and Griffin. We do not like choosing.

I know, know, there are many grandparents who because of distance or other reasons cannot see their grandchildren on a regular basis. But both these boys are here, in this town, minutes away. And whether we like it or not each time we choose to quarantine for Logan, Griffin is left out along other family and friends. And when we choose to unquarantine, Logan is left out. I find it agonizing, and yet I believe we are doing a pretty good job of it.

Balance

The Christmas season has been both joyful and unconventional. The Arboretum holiday lights were visited twice. Once with Amanda and AJ and Logan during their earlier break between rounds 2 & 3. And then later with Jeff, Alexis, Bridget, Connor and Griffin. The Dallas Zoo lights were also visited twice. 2021 was just not the year for large family holiday outings. And for us it was about more than the pandemic. Now, we all could not fit in a car together to see the zoo lights in one trip. But Donna and I could sure take grandsons together next year. (All the parents can go have a drink while Mimi and Big go to the zoo lights with the boys. Griffin and Logan have not been able to “be cousins” since treatment began.)

Amanda’s parents Kim and Mike are also balancing things as best they can. Kim helps her elderly parents a great deal, taking them to doctor’s appointments amongst other things. Over the Christmas holidays, Kim and Mike have been visiting with Logan and family. That meant they chose to not be with Kim’s parents. But now Kim and Mike need to unquarantine so that Kim can return to helping her parents.

Kim and Mike’s need to unquarantine prompted Donna and me to begin our quarantine last Tuesday. We both have COVID tests scheduled on Tuesday this week which will allow us to return to seeing Logan and Amanda and AJ. Choreography is needed so that we can all help – and most importantly keep Logan free from infection. I am grateful for Kim and Mike, and to Chris and Casey, for their wonderful support.

Please continue to keep Logan and his parents Amanda and AJ in your prayers as this journey continues. Happy New Year – we intend ours to be!

Logan – Round 3, Birthday, Mom & Dad

AJ, Logan and Amanda at our Arboretum outing

Back at the hospital for Chemo Round 3

Yesterday morning Amanda and AJ took Logan back into the hospital for his third round of chemo. Round 3 has Logan receiving his chemo twice a day (3am and 3pm) for 5 days. This compares to the 10 days and 8 days for the previous rounds. But – and this is significant – the chemo is about 10 times the strength of what Logan has previously endured. Logan’s little body is being absolutely hammered with poison that will save his life. We have no idea how he will react to this, and I ask for your prayers.

Before Logan received the first chemo dose at 3p yesterday, he was put under anesthesia for a bone marrow biopsy. Results from the biopsy are expected over the next several days, and what we want to hear is that Logan remains in remission. His feeding tube was also reinserted. Despite Logan’s champion eating, he did lose a bit of weight during the hospital holiday. So the feeding tube will provide the calories that he needs. Logan’s visit with us without a feeding tube allowed him the freedom to roam wherever he chose, which was wonderful to see. We also got to be on the front lines as he developed his walking skills. The record during the visit was an unaided 10 steps.

Happy 1st Birthday!

Today is Logan’s first birthday, and he will spend it at the hospital receiving chemotherapy. Writing that sentence welled up my eyes with tears. It is just so unfair that Logan and his fellow pediatric cancer patients are in such battles. And yet when I look at Logan, he has that wry smile, that little smirk that just melts my heart. No, he does not realize the battle that he is in, but he is enduring it with the help of the medical staff and his family.

Logan’s birthday was celebrated early at our home Monday. The theme was Winnie the Pooh. Pictures posted on social media show that theme in the beautiful and delicious cakes made by Aunt Casey, and the big red balloon and custom shirts by Aunt Bridget, and the Tigger, Piglet, Pooh and Eeyore stuffed animals. Quarantined grandparents Mike and Kim and me and Donna, as well as Aunt Casey and Uncle Chris attended. N95-masked guest appearances by Aunt Bridget and Uncle Jeff were a treat. As with most first birthday parties, Logan was mystified with the happenings. And yet it was great to celebrate.

Mom and Dad

This was the second visit by the little family between chemo sessions. The visits are both joyful and more work than you can imagine. After being a part of those 7 days and nights, I must tell you about the love and care and partnership of my son AJ and my daughter-in-law Amanda. They both care for Logan without question, without complaint, and without hesitation. They ask each other for help as needed, and the requests are completed with joy. Watching them work together to care for their son is a model I wish could be bottled and given to others struggling with such responsibilities. I think of caregivers who accept long-term care needs for family members for various reasons, and all of this is a labor of love. We saw it in Amanda and AJ every day and night.

Nights

During the day in addition to playing with Logan, we all focused on feeding and hydrating him. At night because his sleep has been so disrupted by the hospital care, it was a merry-go-round of parents and grandparents taking turns comforting him. That worked for several nights, until Logan started screaming bloody murder during the night. One night around 1:30a, I tried my best to comfort him, but no dice. Then Amanda came out, and she was able to immediately calm him down. Watching her love my grandson the way she did was magical. She handed him back to me to get some water for Logan and – screaming bloody murder. When Amanda took him back – calm. So that night it was Amanda’s job to rock him to sleep.

The next night Logan was awake and AJ was with him. I came out and asked if I could relieve AJ so he could sleep. AJ hopefully said, “We can try…” And so Logan came into my arms and – screaming bloody murder. Handed back to AJ – calm. We were onto something. As babies develop they apparently go through “leaps,” stages of development that are somewhat predictable. We believe that a leap was happening and impacting Logan’s reactions.

Even the next morning Logan was beside himself with me and Donna – until he fully woke up and realized who we were. Then he was his happy little smiling self. That Donna and I could not give Amanda and AJ a little relief those nights was disappointing. However the last night they were with us, Tuesday night, was different. Both Donna and I were able to take turns in the middle of the night and Logan allowed it. That was good for all of us as Amanda and AJ could sleep, and me and Donna could get one more night’s snuggle with Logan.

Amanda and AJ are just wonderful parents. I pray that they continue to have an unending supply of love and strength and patience to care for Logan as partners. Thank you all for your prayers and support.

Logan – Chemo Round 2

A Halloween visit: Logan, Alexis, Uncle Jeff, Amanda & AJ

My grandson Logan has returned to Children’s Hospital in Dallas for his second round of chemotherapy. Today was his first full day back at the hospital after being admitted yesterday afternoon. Logan’s appointment yesterday morning included checking his blood to make sure that it had recovered enough to start the second round. It had as expected. The long journey continues, with multiple rounds of chemotherapy and multiple months. Yes, Logan’s remission after Round 1 is the best news possible. And now the chemo treatments go on as the medical protocol demands

Respite from the hospital

Logan’s, Amanda’s and AJ’s 5-day visit with me and Donna between chemo rounds 1 & 2 was both wonderful and exhausting for all. It was so good to see them and to do what we could to help. Logan was a joy with his exuberant giggling and free rein of the house.

And Logan’s care was a challenge with his feeding tube. You see, he’s just a baby. Logan neither understands nor really knows that he has a tube threaded through his nose and into his stomach. So inadvertently he can catch the tube while rubbing his nose or face and pull it out. He did it at the hospital, and managed to partially do so while visiting us. (Amanda and Donna pushed the tube back where it belonged.) That tactic of letting babies cry themselves to sleep? Nope, does not work for Logan. Any time he cried at night or waking up from a nap, an adult needed to be there to avoid a tube-pulling episode. Let’s just say sleep was disrupted. But sleep was disrupted no more than what Amanda and AJ experienced by themselves all those days at the hospital. They are awesome.

Visitors

Family visits were welcomed while Logan and Amanda and AJ were with me and Donna. Amanda’s parents Kimberly and Mike, and Amanda’s brother Chris and wife Casey visited inside our home. They have been able to quarantine and were helping at the hospital towards the end of the first round of chemo. Other family members such as our son Jeff and his girlfriend Alexis in the picture above sat and chatted through the front storm door. Our daughter Aunt Bridget did the same, as did Donna’s sister Becky. And Uncle Kevin in Florida was a regular FaceTime call. Everyone was happy to reconnect in whatever safe way was available.

The rhythm of daily chemo returns. I rocked Logan throughout his visit. Each time I thought of the challenge he is facing at such a young age, and his strength, and his joy. His little body is being poisoned again to save him. Your continued prayers are needed and requested.

Logan, Family ripples

Our outside pandemic Thanksgiving 2020. AJ & pregnant Amanda are socially distanced

Thursday, September 23, 2021

We are all lost. Trying to figure out what to do. Trying to work and honor our commitments to our employers, while at the same time they tell us ‘Do what you need to do to support your family.’ In the quiet of the day, perhaps in my truck, I think about Logan and Amanda and AJ, and start crying. The crying is less now, and so maybe I am a horrible person in that I am getting used to my beautiful grandson Logan being attacked by cancer.

But still, via social media and on the phone, we hear from family and well-wishers with their oh-so-kind written and spoken words. and their prayers. These kindnesses without fail cause me to well up.

I can tell you that Bridget’s, Jeff’s, and Kevin’s hearts ache for their brother and sister-in-law and nephew. Each of them is doing their part to support Amanda and AJ and Logan. Seeing my family care so much about each other makes my heart sing. And at the same time, I hate – absolutely hate – that we all are in the position of needing to rally together. So, we talk on the phone, cry together, and talk about ways in which we can help each other and Logan and Amanda and AJ.

I am afraid we are filling up their hospital room at Children’s with too much food. From the Beatty’s, the Harris’, other family and friends. But other than prayer, food is what we can do. When I asked if I could bring them coffee and breakfast this morning, AJ said “Yes, can you bring something healthy for breakfast?” In times like these, we all love comfort food. But at some point after days of it, ya just want a piece of fruit.

What’s your name?

For my Mom and Dad’s 70th anniversary, my sons Kevin and Jeff decided to surprise them by travelling to Chicago for the weekend. Certainly the distance limits how often we are able to visit, but the pandemic stopped all the visits. So Kevin and Jeff have not had the chance to see their grandparents in person for a couple of years. Watching them talk brought me great joy.

After Jeff and Kevin left the first night to hang out with cousins Tom and Mike, my Dad said to me, “I think I asked Jeff his name.” Then he followed up with, “Jeff must think I am an idiot.” I assured my Dad that that was not the case.

I texted Jeff, and his response was, “Yeah, Grandpa did ask. First he asked what my name was and I said ‘Jeff.’ And then Grandpa asked ‘Jeff who?’ I thought he was messing with me, but I answered ‘Beatty.’ It surprised me. I could have handled it better.”

Know that my parent’s minds are in great shape, and yet when you are in your 90’s you now and then forget things. (I forget things right now. ) Also know that Jeff thought his Grandpa was messing with him, well, because his Grandpa would sometimes mess with people – joke around with them. That this misunderstanding took place was really fantastic to me. It acknowledges who each of them was and is. It shows the reality and uncertainty of aging. And it is an example of the grace that people can show each other as things change.

And when they met again the next day, they each greeted the other with, “Hi, Mr. Beatty.” Perfect.

A Gathering of the Vaccinated

An outside gathering for John (red check) and Mary’s (blue striped sweater) 70th Anniversary

My parent’s joy beamed from their faces as guests arrived for what started as a small informal dinner to celebrate their 70th Anniversary. Nineteen attended, most expected, but some including me from Texas and sons Kevin and Jeff were surprises. Seeing my Mom’s mouth agape when Kevin (Florida) and Jeff (Texas) walked into their home – priceless. Just I loved seeing cousins and other family members who we just have not seen in, let’s say, a pandemic.

And there it is, a pandemic. The pandemic that scuttled a 90th birthday party last year for my Mom that would have gathered the entire family, keeps us at a distance, and has us worried for our lives. And even with all the vaccinations, there is still the feeling that maybe the gathering wasn’t so smart. Why put us all at risk, even a lessened risk with our vaccinations? Maybe the answer is joy, connection, and love. For me, I hope God graces me with many more years for that joy. For Mom and Dad, their joy was palpable yesterday, and for that I am very happy.

First Day of School, 1995

The first pile of polaroids that I picked up to scan were from 1995 and 1996, and this is appropriate to show with 2021 school just recently started. The boys headed to school in Waukesha, WI. Bridget just wanted to be in the picture. We had recently moved from Racine to Waukesha to a home that could house us.

In the background hangs a sign that says “Watermelon 5 cents.” That very sign hangs outside our Texas home right now in 2021, 26 years later. So for as much stuff that I claim to throw or give away, some linger on.

These maskless first-day photos are a stark contrast from photos this year and last. The school kids really are feeling the burden of the pandemic, and I pray that we get back to whatever normal is going to be, for their sake.